Golaccio Quintet (Round 1)

First dates tend to be nervy affairs. A mutually desired location plays host, the conversational stage is set for personality-sales, and an excitement with its origins in the freshness and mystery of leaving a comfort zone engulfs the arrangement. Yet an outbreak of stomach gurgling, elicitation of dodgy cultural tastes, and picked-up-on bad habits soon ruin what looked like being the perfect match.

The Russian Premier League’s opening day was like that dream-first-date gone wrong. For starters, after a period of club drop-outs and coach exoduses, we just about reached an opening day! As kick-off approached, followers were buoyed by the return of old favourites, and the European cup successes of a deadly duo. But then the heavens opened, the pitches began to resemble Snickers bars, and only 10 goals were scored. The oligopolists of Germany and Italy cornered ‘em all this weekend.

Nevertheless, although the vast majority of the X strikes were the products of mistakes, there were enough candidates to formulate a list that’d have Jose Altafini singing his favourite catchphrase. You’ll notice that every goal in my top 5 was scored by a player for the away side. Therefore, like the afore-drawn first-date analogy, all 5 of these scorers and their sides strode out of a home stadium comfort zone to do the business.

5. Danny (66′), Krylia Sovetov 0-1 Zenit

In a stretched period of the game, cocksure Tkachev turned his legs into a tunnel at the heart of midfield. As arrogant as it was unwise, his colleague Budanov was understandably left flat-footed by the idea. Bystrov snapped in to break the meagre wave; poking through cleanly for Danny to take away from the 3 congregated home-side players by halfway. Knowing the catch-up battle was lost, they instantly gave up chasing. 2 defenders stood in the way of Danny’s path to goal, and they jog-cum-darted back to the edge of their own box. Trying to prevent a thunderbolt from the recent-absentee, they stayed close together – in spite of niggly Kerzhakov hovering on their shoulders and threatening to pull away through the left of the ‘D’. The panic resulted in Danny veering rightwards past the ‘D’ and retaining enough balance and acceleration to drive home a right-footer. Although some may dismiss it as a simple counter-attack on the back of a mistake (against a poor, unpaid, depleted side), the confidence shown in the carry and the tenacity of Bystrov to win the ball merit this goal’s inclusion in a ‘Top 5′ list.

4. Aleksei Ivanov (10′), Alania Vladikavkaz 1-1 Saturn Moscow

Vorobyov took the ball down as the away side’s two defensive-midfielders guarded the pitch’s circle. On the right side of that particular bank, the Russian was alert in scooping to the (right) box-joint for an attacker to feed off of. Ivanov relished the opportunity, and surged on to such an inviting use of the leather-sphere. He cut round and then in-behind DaCosta Goore; 25% of a Werder Bremen-esque high back-line. Continuing this smash-and-grab raid of the home side’s territory, the former Luch man wasted no time in drilling the bouncing ball on the moment it landed/left the ground. The angle may have been tight, but the right-foot volley was precise, piercing and liked its new-found home in the top corner. As Sky Sports’ hyperbolic Andy Gray is so fond of saying: “Ye juz dornt seev thorse“. Better than Danny’s strike? Yes. Goore is an experienced campaigner, and the placings of the pass/strike were top-class; the movement and team-understanding equally so.

3. Igor Semshov (72′), Spartak Moscow 0-1 Dinamo Moscow

A (second) debut goal for the national side stalwart. 58 more and the soon to be 32-year-old’ll match the tally he cruised to at Torpedo. Although the finish was composed and decisive – complementing a reading of the game that landed Semshov in the a zone to decide proceedings – the build-up play from the away side was clever: a combination of imagination and preparation. With 8 Spartak players mucking in around their box-edge, Samedov strolled and assessed like a true trequartista towards the left-hand shadow of the box-edge-line. Hips facing goalward, he answered a Česnauskis holler and spread to the (right) box-joint-perched Lithuanian. With a dummy byline-dart of the right-back buying time, he re-fed the incoming-jog of Samedov who nonchalantly scooped it on to his new best friend’s box-dart. The ball bobbled to-and-fro before fortuitously landing at the feet of their fellow debutant, Semshov. Samedov showed he’s no one-pace-only 2010-Ronaldinho clone mind. In the first half, Voronin had turned his foot into a cat-flap to disguise a lay-off for Samedov’s perfectly-timed sprint to the ‘D’. Dinamo look the proverbial kitty’s whiskers already.

2. Andrei Kobenko (40′) Sibir Novosibirsk 0-2 Terek Grozny

The kind of strike Kobenko’s family will definitely preserve on DVD. Sergei Omelyanchuk carried down the right, floated over a pass to the ‘D’ where a zig-zag motion of one-two head tennis saw Héctor Bracamonte tee-in Kobenko at the box’s left ‘L’. As Sibir defenders zoomed across in an attempt to render the former Rubin man a Joey in their collective kangaroo-pouch, the Terek player displayed adult marsupial characteristics as he used his left-foot like a slender paw to get under the ball and strongly kick-scoop it in to the top-right-corner. A sumptuous strike that bore trademarks of a fine tiddlywinks player – Kobenko’s foot the squidger as the ball gracefully scaled the air; tickling the tummies of aeroplanes; crashing back down to earth and mouth of the net with the ominous suddenness of Icelandic and Greek economies. You may now be gesticulating at your screen and querying as to why if this goal is worthy of such flowery analogies, I place it only at #2. Well, the lazy Filipenko should have shut down Omelyanchuk, Sibir’s defensive line was pulled over to the left and gave Kobenko time and space to peel, plus Kowalewski stood a tad too temptingly off his line.

1. Sergei Kornilenko (63′) Rostov 0-2 Tom Tomsk

Like efforts #2 and #4, here we have another strike that opened the scoring. But this one is different from the rest for several reasons. Firstly, Tom Tomsk had been lethargic for a large stretch of proceedings. Their approach to pressing and compressing could’ve been bettered by a herd of stoned snails. Two examples of this came when Anđelković was given time to idly float a byline-cross into the box from a position of standing and contemplation. The other example came in the form of his cross-field hoof to Lebedenko at AMR. Uncomfortable at trapping on his right, and incapable of burning boot-leather to hit the channel, the wideman flicked a rude two-fingered salute to ambidexterity and cut inside; Jokić and Skoblyakov more than happy to let him do so. The left-footed curler so nearly crept into the upper-right of the goal. Tom’s post, so proud of its metaphorical beard, would not have appreciated being shaved amidst such little protestation.

Other reasons why this goal is worthy of gold (aside from it being the anamolous produce of a lax pack), were the facts that 4 players contributed, and strenuous efforts were made by Rostov to prevent it. Admittedly, Khagush’s air-control from Kim-Nam-Il’s byline-through-pass is misleadingly monikered as ’strenuous’, but his colleague Kalachev slid in with gusto to try and prevent Ivanov’s square. His efforts just failed to cork the move, and the diagonal dart from none other than the aforementioned lazy sod Skoblyakov saw him whirl around the ball like Billy Elliot. This evaded and dizzed the attentions of Gia Grigalava, and the alert Kornilenko was there to poach. The left-footed blast was clean, powerful, and the bold finishing touch to a quickfire move that fused grace, luck, team-tandem and “blimey, where on earth did that come from?!” willpower.